*I was bit late with actually publishing this - was not sure I wanted to -but the last weeks events have decided for me. For good or bad here is my 2nd blog.
Well here I am trying this blogging thing again. It's a bit scary to put yourself out there but in the end most of the people who read this will never know me and the people that do know me - well I've shared my blog address and feel comfortable with them knowing things about me.
Before you read this maybe click on the link below for sound track - well a Youtube link - provided by The Gaslight Anthem. This song sums up everything I've felt about who and what I'm going to blog about:
So i met this gal named M011y a few years back and well really never thought much of it. But of course about a year ago I started to have feelings for her and well decided to give her a shot.
A very pretty gal and really someone that for the most part was outta my league. Well she was younger, blonde, white, and mormon. So anyone familiar with southern Alberta would know that these particular things do make a difference and do matter - if one person is of Native descent they matter even that much more -never mind the age thing (I'm in my 30's she's in her 20's) it was definitely us being from completely different worlds that scared me and really never allowed me to take a chance on her - well at least initially -
So about a year ago (May 2008) I decided to just go for it and try and see what happens. I guess a year and a half of admiring and longing for someone from afar and not ever really taking the chance to see what can happen and what could be possible. Most of all maybe being tired of what I may have been losing out on. So I started to make small steps with her. Asking more and more what she liked to do in her off time. Such silly questions as "do you like coffee, M011Y?" "do you like going to concerts?" "Maybe if you're around you want to stop by and say hi." Just never really coming out and asking her if she'd like to go out but leaving little hints here and there - I guess not really "going for it" but attempting to plant the seeds of something. What that something was - I knew what I had hoped for but was really unsure of whether it was feasible 'thing.'
I guess I just really hoped that the beautiful, blonde, blue eyed goddess would actually want to be with a guy like me. You know dream big and hope for the unattainable to be attainable and within my grasp.
Well it never really turned out the way I would have liked-does anything? months of being stood up, not having calls returned, mixed signals, and just plain being treated crappy by her took their toll on me. So in December of last year (2008) I sent her one last letter just telling her how I felt and that I was going to stop talking to her. Was it a mistake? I don't know but I do believe it had to be done - for good or bad. I needed to make that decision for myself and what not. And it was the hardest thing to do. Part of my just wanted to be happy with anything she threw my way - even if it hurt cause at least she'd be in my life. But you know...
But I guess sometimes you just fall flat on your face and what you thought was going to be yours was really just an illusion. And all you thought you had was really nothing at all.
I had a bit of an emotional breakdown last week and the only thing on my mind was Molly - not sure why as it's been ages since we last spoke or had anything to do with each other. Long story short I ended up writing her this long, rambling e-mail that really made no sense and really did not serve any purpose other than making looks like an obsessive fool. I guess in the haze of anxiety and depression you cling to what you want the most - and well there are many things I've wanted and had throughout my life but Molly was and is what I still long for.
I guess that it is true - you do want the things that you can't have. I guess for once I just wanted to be with someone that really made me feel good, excited, and better about myself. I guess it was cause of how she looks - because lets be honest; girls like her are never with guys like me.
I have not heard back from her and it's been over a week - I guess part of me knows that it's dead. Which is good in the sense that I know I need to move on. On the other hand it's painful because you realize the only person you want to be with does not want to be with you and in all likelihood has delegated your memory to the trash bin.
So I've re-worded the Gaslight Anthem song - I guess my last bit of sadness (I Hope but really she'll always be on my mind) that I'll dedicate to Molly:
You can tell Molly if she calls; that I'm famous now for all these Rock and Roll Songs. Even if that's a lie she should have given me a try. I would have been her fool and I would have sang out your name in these old University Halls; you tell that to Molly if she calls.
And you can tell Molly if she writes that I'm drunk off of all these stars and crazy Rio de Janeiro nights. That's total deceit but she should have married me. And tell her I spent every night dying on the floor bleeding out from all these wounds. I would have gotten her right out of Raymond, AB. You tell that to Molly if she writes.
But boys will be boys and girls have those eyes that'll cut you to ribbons sometimes. And all you can do is wait by the phone and hope that she hasn't forgotten you.
You remind Molly if she asks why? That a thief stole my heart while she was deciding what she wanted. Heard she's still living the "cool"; goes crazy over that scene I'll never understand. But I used to wait in the coffee shop a million nights without her; praying she won't stand me up again. And the pretty waitress served my coffee with a consolation smile. You remind Molly if she asks why?
Tell her it's alright
It's hard to tell you this, no it's hard to tell you this.
Here's looking at you kid (molly).
So I really don't know what to think about myself, molly, and just life in general right now. I'm in a world of hurt at the moment. I guess all I can hope for is to feel better tomorrow and the next day and the next...
And for all that's been said - I will say that Molly I would have followed you anywhere and taken you through all of my life's journey's - through ups and downs I would have stood there by you. Molly I would have gladly been your fool....
