The Carni

I found out yesterday, June 19^th 2009, that my best friend throughout high school died on June 14^th 2009.  His Name was Rob Morning Owl (Bobby Lee but I always knew him as Rob).  It’s hard to know how to feel.  At this moment there is an empties and almost a state of shock.  I found out from my sister Jill via a text yesterday.  At first it was shocking but I did not have time absorb it.  A few hours later it started to hit me and I started to think more and more about him and process things.  I must confess that at the time of his passing we were not close at all.  That time came and went but whenever he ran into me he’d always say hello and inquire about what I’m up to and things he’d heard about me.  I’d always try to be as friendly and open to him as possible.  But our paths diverted many years ago and many times it was hard to know what to say to him.

 

I went on to find my way through University not once but twice and found an outlet in Martial Arts.  Rob found himself in and out of jail and continued to find his outlet in alcohol and the on the edge lifestyle.  I struggled to keep my demons and vices in check; Rob seemed to never overcome and at times embraced his.  I feel dated and feel in love but never did find the “Girl with the Heart of Gold” and forged ahead alone, Rob was living with someone and had a kid – I’m not sure if he ever found “that girl with the heart of gold” but I never asked and now I’ll never know.

 

Out of respect to Rob my friend I won’t go into to many details or specifics about his troubles.  I met Rob at Catholic Central High School here in Lethbridge – if I recall correctly it was my grade 10 year.  There was an instant connection based on mutual interests-mainly the same taste in music and that fact we were both growing up Native in Southern Alberta – which is a struggle even nowadays.  A struggle to gain acceptance, or at the very least tolerance, in a white world where more often than not you’re a “Drunk Indian” before you are anything else.

 

As years went on it became a very strong bond; unfortunately, this bond also included partaking in alcohol consumption.  I do believe that we both became instantly overtaken with the allure of the bottle.  We both had good times and bad times but through it all Rob was there as my friend.

 

It was around my last year of High School when our paths completely diverged.  Rob ran into a lot of money he had coming his way about a year earlier and guess that’s when probably when our paths began to go separate ways.  But by that last year of high school I think we’d moved in different directions.  High School came and went – some good times, some bad times, mostly just lots of days there were neither good nor bad; mostly just forgettable.  We kept tabs with each other and occasionally went out on alcohol-fueled excursions.  Then one day we just suddenly lost track of each other.  I’d occasionally hear stories that Rob was living here or there.  But mostly I just never heard much about him.  Sometimes he’d call my parents house and sometimes I’d be there, sometimes I would get a message from my parents that Rob had called.

 

During this time I’m not sure what Rob was into or the specifics of his life during those times we completely lost track of each other.  Somehow I managed to keep my head above the chaos of Alcoholism- sometimes barely.  After a bit of trial and error I managed to graduate from University with a B.A. in Philosophy.  I spent some time bouncing from job to job nothing really stable and not much purpose.  Every now and again I’d run into Rob at the mall, coffee shop, etc.  I ended up going back to University and eventually obtaining my Bachelor of Education.  I remember having a conversation with Rob and he had asked me what I was up to and I had mentioned that I was at the University taking a Philosophy.  Rob had said something about getting back to drawing (Rob was really a good artist) and that he’d like to try and get into tattooing.  As far as I know he never really took that steps to make that happen; then again I could be wrong because as I had mentioned before we lost touch with each other.

 

It’s funny how sometimes two people can come together with a common bond – seemingly from nothing, have many of the same struggle but come out with very different outcomes.  I look at my life and the paths and journeys I’ve taken and wonder why and how I managed to avoid many of the keep pitfalls that others have not been able to overcome.  With all the danger and risks I’ve taken it could easily be me that could be down and out or worse.  I hate to speculate and try and find reasons why but I would suspect that it is because I come from a stable, sober and supportive family.  Through all my ups and downs, triumphs and fuck ups – my Parents (Mom and Dad) have stuck by me when others have given up on me.  When I went from a young boy experimenting with alcohol, to the life of the party, to just another drunk Indian that was to be avoided my parents were there to support me and help me get back on up on my feet and find my way again.  I don’t think Rob had this support system – I cannot say for sure because perhaps he found it and was just unable to stop himself from self-destructing.  I can only write from what I remember about Rob and his life.

 

One thing that I do know about Rob and that he seemed to be very proud of was that fact that he had been able to hook himself up with a carnival company.  He spent his summers traveling with the carnival and in essence becoming the “Rock Star” we had both talked about.  Oh, yeah in our youth we both had decided that we were going to form a band – I played guitar and rob drummed and sang – and take over the world.  Live the dream of every young boy who has a “wild young rock and roll” heart.  I guess in becoming a Carni Rob was able to travel the country and see the world much like the Rock Stars we were both going to become.

 

So here I sit writing this on Monday June 22, 2009; 7 days after my friend has past on to whatever awaits us all when our time is done in this plane of existence.  I’m sitting in the downtown Lethbridge Starbucks and Chapters; which is the last place I saw and briefly talked to Rob.  I never really knew what to say to Rob in these past few years and the last time was no different.  I had lost touch with him and just did not know where to start or what to say.  We chitchatted briefly and then we went our separate ways.  It’s raining all I can hope for is that it is a nice sunny day when my old friend is laid to rest.

 I hope that when we meet again that there will be no awkward silences and that everything will be as it was.   Maybe wherever we end up when were gone from this place we’ll get that chance to become stars and friendships never burn out.  Take care and have fun on your final travel and keep that Ferris Wheel turning.

*I was just asked to read the Obituary for Rob last night.  I hope I can do him justice.  I won't fuck this up.  We lost track of each other but maybe this can make up for the lack of friendship during his last few years.