Second Chances, lost causes, Redemption and moving on...

So this past week has been my most memorable - in terms of my stupidity - yet probably the few days I would like to forget most during my time here in Brazil.

All of last week was rainy and overcast here in Rio. Not much sun out; hence the beach has been out of the question for the past week or so. Also, add to the equation that i was stuck in the common room with 4 other guys. Which meant that people were coming in and out of the room, sometimes drunk, sometimes with friends (females) which lead to some high stress levels, add to the boredom of just being couped up in the house because of the weather. Well something had to give.

Well something did give. My sobriety was what ended up giving out Friday night. I had made the personal vow to abstain from booze and drinking while I'm down here. For health reasons but also because of the fact that everything that has gone wrong in my life has been because of drinking or gotten worse because of drinking. Long short - booze is my downfall.

It all began Friday - the Ecudorians were leaving that night at 3am but a large group from Romania had already arrived and were pretty much in the living room area waiting for the other group to leave. People were going in and out of the room all day and night. I was pretty tired and annoyed by this time. I mean after the last week I was pretty irritable. Well, we were told that the bar Oswaldo's had a 50 Credit (drinks) for the guys in the house. I was not going to go out but the rain was pouring and there was nothing to do. So i figured I'd just go down to the bar and hang out for a while then walk home.

Well that plan went out the door. I decided a couple of beers would be okay - nothing more. Well I could go on and on but really - it did not stop at 2 beers. I keep going and going and lost count. Anyhow, I somehow managed to get home but ended up getting sick all over my bed as well as another room mates bed and just basically being a drunken idiot.

I spent all saturday - day and night - in bed unable to move. I was about as sick as could be. I woke up sometime Saturday morning and cleaned up the mess then went back to bed. Not sure of what time this was as I was in a daze most of the time. I finally awoke about noon on Sunday and crawled outta bed, washed up, went for something to eat, came back home and went back to bed.

I can only hope that I`ve not pissed anyone off or done anything that is really bad; you see I cannot remember most of the night. so hence my worries.

At some point during my drunkeness I decided it would be a good thing to write Molly and ask her why she wrote me outta the blue then did not get back to me when I told her what I was up to and where I was headed. She wrote back and said sorry that she had meant to write but did not - no reason; she just didn't. Which I think is utter B,S, but what can you do? I had really hoped the "molly" saga had ended and that I was going to move on and Rio(brazil) was going to bring some new things worth having in my life. But for whatever reason she decided to contact me 2 days before I left and then decided to not contact me after that. That left me heartbroken all over again - I thought maybe she would have been excited for me, wished me luck, taken a chance on me before I left. I mean there has to be a part of her that does see something in me... Or perhaps she just likes guys to fall for her for she can lead them on and feel good about knowing that someone will always fall for her over and over again - NO matter how much she hurts them.

I've taken a couple of days off of training to heal my body, mind and soul. Now some may say this is the weak way or pussy way. But until you've lived in my mind and my hell - you can't say shit about what I'm doing. I trained for 2 weeks straight - so 2 days off will not hurt me much. Even if I'm only here till October - I continue to want a certain person and deep down I know she's wrong for me. All the time that I've actively pursued her - she's done thing but let me down, hurt me, give me mixed signals and lead me on. She is the main source of my of pain and anxiety and hurt. I cannot lie and say I was over her before I left but i can say I was ready to leave that sadness behind and find some new happiness. But she jumped back into my life and messed it all up-I did not want her back in but she got back in and it's hard for me to let her go again.

I will be up tomorrow to do the morning training session - my first since Friday. I like making it to the morning session as it sets the tone for the day. Plus if my body is not feeling good later on I know that I've trained once in the day. I hope that the weather clears up and that the sun shines soon.

I wonder why some people cannot commit to something or someone but yet want to know what makes 'me' tick and insist on injecting themselves into my life.

Are second chances worth it - if something is dead and gone? I can believe that second chances are vital if you've fucked things up and seek redemption for your failings and screw ups. To show that you're more than what the mess up portrayed.

lost causes are painful to deal with - doubly if it's a lost cause that involves feelings, your heart and a girl who is unattainable.

moving on is hard, lonely, painful, inspiring, exciting and sad. I wish that moving on did not mean having to end things completely but I guess that's what needs to be done sometimes.

Moving on sometimes is a day to day thing and sometimes it's a minute to minute thing. All you can do is keep hoping that you can hold out long enough to find that sunshine that is out there.

End with a fitting song...

Going to the mall - taking the wrong bus back: Adventures in Public Transportation - & various goings on...

I have not written an update in while (well a few days at least.) Alot has changed and gone on since my last post. So here goes:

1. We've had some new people move into the house and they taken over the part of the house i was initially staying in. They're 14 people from Ecuador living in that part of the house. They mainly keep to themselves and seem to have their own private bus service. They arrived last saturday - the day that Johnny and Nicky left. They ended up being really loud their first night here - they were up having some sort of dance party till at least 7am Saturday night/Sunday morning. Not very fun at all. They seem to have cooled down and are training but not sure where. someone said they are training at Gracie Barra or Minotauro's gym. Either way they are usually gone all day and come in during the evening make noise, go to sleep, then do it all again the next day. They will be here till the weekend then they will leave to go back home. Which is good because I will be able to move back to my little part of the house. right now there are 4 of us in one common room which leaves little "Alone Time." Long short - they can't leave soon enough.

2. The 3 English guys left - first it was Nick and Johnny on Saturday. Then Antony left early Monday morning. So the house is a bit more quiet then it was when I first arrived. They were all really great guys - I'm glad that I got the opportunity to meet all 3. Safe journey's to all of them.

3. The weekend was hell. I got not sleep Friday as the guys went out because Nick and Johnny were leaving. They came back at like 5am and Antony and Jordan ended up getting into a big time argument that almost came to fist-a-cuffs. so that keep me up Friday night. Then i had to wake up early because the large group from Ecuador were arriving that morning. Saturday was more of the same - Antony, Jordan, Fernando, Bas all got drunk then came back with some gals and loudness ensued. Of course once they settled down the Ecuadorians decided to have their dance party till 7 am. Needless to say it was a crappy weekend for sleep. I was pretty pissed off. I think anyone would be.

4. Training is going good but my age is showing as everyday it's like being run over by a trunk. I hope that i can keep this up and stay relatively injury free. I would be so upset if i got a major injury. right now my elbow are sore - sorta like a tennis elbow thing. We did some judo throws last night and that always does it for me.

5. I'm starting to find my way around the Barra (my part of Rio) and i've begun to explore and do some picture taking. There is alot of down time in between training in the morning and training in the evening. It's been kinda of chilly the past few days so the beach is outta the question. I do worry that I'll attract the wrong attention with my camera. But you know you have to take a chance on life and hope for the best - which is exactly my attitude.

6. I think I will try to do a private lesson with one of the black belts this week (Friday or Saturday) to help with my Guard passing. I do believe it will be Homeo (not sure of the spelling) that I'll have to talk with about doing a private session for guard passing as that is his forte; or so I've been told.

7. There is a really pretty gal that lives on our street and one of the guys that stays here - Ipar(not sure of the spelling but he is from Germany) said he's seen her around here before. So maybe, just maybe there is some hope to forget about that Blue Eyed Heartbreaker from Raymond Alberta. I hope so - I'd love to meet somone new.

8. So today I decided to go to the Barra Shopping Centre - which is the largest shopping centre in South America - Again i've been told this so I'd have to clarify this for sure. But it is huge - i only explored one floor because it was that big and after a morning training session I was super tired and did not want to do so much walking. I was told that it was very expensive there and that it was not worth buying anything there. Upon my visit to Barra Shopping this was confirmed. Everything is so over priced. For instance, i was looking at some Addidas shoes and they were R$68,00 but this 5 payments of R$68,00. Most people cannot afford to buy them outright so they have the option of paying for shoes in installments - that's hard to wrap my head around. That is life down here.

I wandered around then decided to head home and go to sleep so I could attempt to train tonight. I took some pictures of the mall - but got told that taking pictures is a no-no; which is strange because I was told it was okay to do so. Anyhow, the pictures are of some of the sights at Barra Shopping. After picture taking i made my way to the bus stop and waited for number 175 bus - lots of buses came and went and finally I noticed a bus approaching that had 175 on the front. So took my R$2,20 and got ready to board it. Payed my fare, grabbed a seat and prepared to get close to home so I could walk home and get some sleep. Well the plan took a big detour. I cannot say for sure where I ended up but all I know is that we hit some free way and went into a long tunnel. Once we exited the tunnel we passing by a Favala (those shanty towns that are off limits to anyone not from there.) So at this point I started to freak out a bit. I took out the map that Dennis gave me with the address for the house and took it to the money lady on the bus (you pay the lady and she give you change if you need it and she lets you in the turn stile. Anyhow, she said that i was on the wrong bus and that i would have to wait till they got to the central and I would have to find the bus to Barra da Tijuca.

So we got to central - which I assume is downtown. The lady pointed me in the direction of the buses I needed to check for the 175 Barra da Tijuca. Eventually I found the right bus, payed my fare and then sat on it for about an hour till i got to the main bus stop in Barra. Needless to say i was tired, hungry, and a bit shocked at my busing adventure. The only problem was that I did not take pictures because we passed some shady parts of town and I did not want to take the chance of being robbed, or worse.

on the upside i got to see the areas of Copacabana and Ilmpana - the places I was going to stay originally. Let me tell ya - I'm glad I did not as it is way, way, way too far from Barra. So despite the packed house - I'm glad Im here as I've met some cool house mates and they've all helped me find my bearings here in Brazil.

so that was my big adventure - Barra Shopping then the two hour, scenic route, bus ride.

I skipped training tonight as my arms were still killing me and I was dead tired from my days adventure. I will wake up early and get to the morning training and hopefully my arms are feeling better so i can Train twice tomorrow.

Well that is my little update for now - I hope that I don't take as long to update next time. I just got busy and did not have as much time to write.

take care and all the best to anyone who reads this.

A.

Nick at night and angry Johnny!

I've not written in this for a few days as it's been busy and by the time I have time to write I've been dead tired. Still adjusting to the time difference and sleeping in a foreign bed. The nights have been pretty chilly (well at least the past few nights have been.) I was going to train in the morning this week but have slept in 3 days in a row so i've been training in the evenings. I wanted this week to be my break in period. next week I will try and get in 2-3 days of training twice a day and see how the body handles it.

Well this coming week is going to be chaos. The two English brothers Nick and Johnny are leaving tomorrow morning. In their place we are getting like 10 people from Argentina (not positive but that is what I've heard.) So my self and the German fella Ipar get booted from our side of the house and have to move in with the other 3 guys on the other side of the house. This is going to prove to be a real challenge. Up to now I've had some privacy but that is going to go all out the window. I wish things could have been better planned but what can you do.

Anyhow, I will miss Johnny and Nick as they brought life to the house and were on the easy going side. Always cracking jokes and seeing the bright side of things. They have been here for about a month and they got some crazy stories that they told me that I won't repeat here. There lack of presence in the house will leave a gap that I don't think will be filled for the duration of my time here.

So I ended up asking Dennis if he could draw me a map and give me directions to the post office today. I had some documents that I needed to have my mother deliever for me but I had forgot them in my carry on bag. My parents dropped me off and told me to go check in. I got my tickets and then got cattled into the USA immigration line. I did not realize that I could not go back out and see my family before I left. Which was a very shitty feeling and part of the reason I was really bummed out those first few days. Family is important to me and my family has supported me through all my decisions including coming to Brazil to pursue a dream for awhile. Anyhow, I could not give my parents those documents - long short I finally got them off so my parents can deliever them for me.

After the post office I went to the beach and found the guys there - Nick, Johnny, Anthony, Bas, Jordon. Hung out for a bit and then we went home. The beach was cold today and I still have that congestion in my chest that wont go away.

I went to the 6:30 training session tonight. They are getting better and I hope that in time I'll get back up to par and then beyond par. Well just before the session ended the instructor (keep forgetting his name - can only remember Gordo but he is gone for a few days.) Made a little speech then called up the two brothers Nick and Johnny and presented them with their blue belts. So congrats to my British buddies and good hard work. I hope that I can keep in contact with them. But sometimes things don't always go the way you want. If i don't see them again it was a great pleasure getting to know them - if only for a week. They will be missed by everyone.

Restaurant Fronteira - All you can eat Pizza for R$15,00

So today (August 11, 2009 - posted day later) was my second day of training. It went alot better in terms of not feeling so drained and beat up like the first day. I got to roll with one black belt today - which is great because it shows me how much I have to learn. I guess with JIU JITSU you can spend your life learning something new - which is the best approach IMHO.

Got back from my morning training session showered up and ate the other half of my chicken, rice and beans meal from the previous night. I Went straight back to bed as I feel that I need to rest as much as possible if I want to keep up a regular training schedule. Woke up and felt a bit hungry so I walked down to the bakery and ended up just getting junk food (doritos, a bottle of coke, some candy) which was not a wise idea as I felt like crap after eating them.

I decided I would try to sleep of some more of the flu I have - which helped when I did eventually wake up as I felt so much better. Everyone had gone to the evening training session so I was alone for a bit. Everyone got back and Anthony - one of the Brits - showed me some of the pictures he took when he and two other housemates climbed the big mountain behind our house. From what I've been told it's a very scary climb - huge spiders, giant ants that attack, and near vertical climbing near the end of the climb. Not sure if that will be part of my agenda as I am deathly afraid of heights. Anthony has even said he would never do that again - it's that dangerous. But it does offer the best view of Rio. I think I'll just catch a cab to the Christ statue an get my good view of Rio that way.

Anyhow, Jeremy asked if I wanted to come along for all you can eat pizza for R$15, 00 (about $8.00 Can). Of course I said yeah. Once everyone was finished we walked off on the same path towards Barra beach. We passed over the overpass (walkway across the freeway) and instead of going straight to the beach took a right and headed down along the free way and made our way to Restaurante Fronteira.

We (Jeremy, Gisele, Nicky, Johnny and I) walked in and were seated immediately. We were each asked what we would like and Jeremy, with help from Gisele, stated that we would like all you can eat pizza and pop. So the waiters dropped by our table and gave us some plates and utensils. I was not sure what we were to do. I viewed a salad bar of some sorts and assumed that was were we were to eat. But I was told that the waiters walk around and with pizzas and just ask random tables if we would like a slice. And it pretty much continues this way throughout your meal. Waiter comes by, you check out the pizza and either take a slice or not. A very unique way to serve all y0u can eat pizza I must say as I was expecting like a buffet or something along those lines. Being served all you can eat pizza by waiters who come around with the pizza as opposed to having to get up each time to a new slice - interesting.

Pizza was very tasty and for the first time ever I've eaten desert pizza. I tried few but only took a picture of the chocolate with strawberries pizza. Mmm, yummy stuff.

My only compliant is that going from eating mostly chicken, rice and beans to pizza was a shock to the system and did not do anything to help with my acid reflux - I sense a rough nights sleep. But so worth it...All you can eat pizza....!

First Day of Training, First venture out alone..

I trained for the first time today. The gym is just around the corner. The first training session starts at 8 am. This is the time I will use to break myself in. This week I will go once a day and get my body used to the rigors of training. Next week I'll try to amp it up to twice a day - not sure how long I can keep that up - it's very hard on the body.

Well training went fairly well - got to roll with 2 black belt and they had their way with me. It was humbling and exciting all at once. I really hope that I can stay injury free and take advantage of the training opportunity that is presented to me.

got home from training - showered up and walked down to the grocery market - picked up some bread and fruit. walked back home ate some bread, a banana and drank some chocolate milk. I was going to go to bed but got invited for lunch with Jeremy. So we walked down to Camacho's a little bar and grill that sells super cheap Chicken, rice, beans, and veggie - all that for R$9 (about 5 bucks in Canadian Funds.) I was not very hungry so I decided to just order a bowl of Acai and a coke zero.

After lunch Jeremy went to the market and I headed to the beach. It's a very long walk when you're tired. Made it to the beach. Did some swimming sunning. In the 4 days that I've been here in Brazil I've tanned so much. I wonder how dark I'll get by the time I leave for home.

After the beach some of the guys went for tacos and 3 of us just went back home. I got home and went straight to bed. This cold is really pushing my boundaries and strength. All I can hope for is that it clears up soon and I can actually breath.

woke up and showered by this time everyone else had gone to train for the evening. I decided to walk down to Camacho's. I somehow managed to order the chicken and rice and 2 litre coke zero. Ate and somehow managed to convey to the waiter that I wanted it packed up. Good stuff!

Well, I'm going to be going to bed soon. Get up early and go train. Live the dream. You know. It's definitely not as lonely now that I've figured out some of this neighborhood. I'll keep going forward.

My first day of training and my first venture out to eat - by myself... I think I'm doing good.

All day at the Beach

I woke up a bit late - I seem to have contracted the cold that everyone in the house has and it's playing hell with my system. But I managed to drag myself outta bed by 11 am Rio time which would 8 am back home.

It was quickly decided that we would go to the beach today as it was scorching hot this morning. So everyone got ready, guys headed out early and I ran to catch up. I dressed for the beach this time and wore my surf shorts for swimming. We Stopped at this Burger joint along the way and had Breakfast/Lunch. I had a burger with orange juice and a small Acai smoothie.

Again, i must stress the Acai drinks back home are crap, pure crap compared to the Acai here - so darn good. Like if you ever get the chance to come to rio get a bowl of Acai - with granola if you like - you'll be addicted. Plus they have amazing qualities - most antioxidants of any known fruit or veggie, natural elctrolytes on par with Gatorade (minus the processed sugar), omega 3 on par with salmon...just a great all round fruit. If you're stuck in Lethbridge go to booster juice and get one of the Acai Juice bottles - not as great but you get the idea.

So after our meal we headed down to Barra Beach. By this time there was a bit of a mist in the air and it cooled down considerably. Once we got to the beach we picked up some lawn chair that we were supposed to cost R$2 (2 dollars in Brazilian Currancy) but ended up costing me like R$6 - go figure? I guess we got "Gringo'd."

the Beach was awsome - we pitched up near the outter edge as a result it was less crowded; which was great. Because this is my first time near the ocean I'm in there quite a bit (well the 2 days I've been there). It's great - it's like swimming in epson salt...ha ha!

We spent the day at the beach although the ocean was warmer the sun was not as hot as yesterday. Apparently the young lad who invited us to play paint ball is Renzo Gracie's nephew - the kid was built like a tank. Everyone here is so friendly they always wanna shake hands, smile, and the gals love to kiss and get close when they are leaving (Ciao!)

I really like the beach and the long 30 minute or so walk to the beach. I would like to spend as much time there. I was going to train at Gracie Barra which is right near the beach but it's way too far and if I'm going to be training 2 times a day I'd like to not have to walk so far in the dark (it's winter here so it gets dark early). But Gracie Fusion is just around the corner and much more convienent.

I think the key to being my loneliness is just to get out and do something with others or once I get to learn the neighborhood better by myself. Hope you enjoy the pics - I'm going to bed soon as it's already 10pm and I need to be up early to get to morning training.

Still miss my family tonnes but it's getting alot better - I still need to find a way to phone them more - skype is the best option but I don't have a credit card. Things will work themselves out.

saturday nights, drunks, ufc

last night was super crazy - we thought that we had found a place to watch ufc fights but when we got to the home there was nothing on. so after some fiddling around we ended up coming back to the place and having to watch a stream of the fights. which sucked cause it was slow, choppy, and you could never really get a good sense of action. three of the guys were drinking heavly and it made for a slightly annoying night. But they left for the bars thanx god..ha ha.

having a hard time adjusting to the time difference - it's 3hrs ahead here and it's hard to get to sleep and hard to wake up on time.

Dispite the crappy stream - the fights were great.

it is very hot out today - not sure of the temputure but it is by far the hottest day thus far (granted I've been here 3 days). We're going to the beach which is going to be fun - have to make sure to lotion up with suntan oil and bring some water.

grab some food on the way there. I will be prepared this time with some proper swimmin trunks. Should be a good time - I was super unhappy friday and yesterday morning but I find that going out and doing something helps really helps with the bordom and mind wandering.

might take the camera today - takes some pics of the beach (thongs and speedos ha ha).

I hope that i can find a way to call home soon - i dont have credit card so skype is going to be hard. going to ask my mom or one of the sisters if i can use their credit card and hook up skype for 3 months. as im not positive that I'll be here for the full 4 1/2 months - money just might not hold out. Very expensive here - which is suprising. Thought it would be way cheaper.

anyhow, will write and hopefully post some pics on the next blog.

A.
"No Retreat, No Regrets"

Barra Beach and first times...

so i just got back from Barra Beach - the longest beach in Rio. it's about 30 minute walk from our place. I must say that it was well worth the walk. the city is unbelievable.

im glad i went out and hung out with the guys - really. I would have hated to have been here alone all day. it would have sucked ass. The opportunity is now to move on - forget all the shitty things in Southern Alberta. Have fun, train, live life, maybe get laid once in awhile...the girls here are unbelievablely goodlooking - and alot more friendly.

i did not take my camera as i did not know what to expect nor want to look like a total tourist. but next time...pictures will accompany my beach excurstion.

the beach..what can i say. First time outta north america, first time on a plane, first time in the ocean...unbelievable day.

we are looking for a place to watch ufc hopefully we can find a place - i really wanna watch the fights.

on as sad note - i used my one free call on skype to call home had a nice talk with the parents. but found out that one of the dogs died - the little dalmation suzie got bumped. she was with our family for just over 10 years. So I just like to say I hope that suzie is running wild in doggie heaven and raising hell like she used to.

goodtimes.

A.

Saturday - the beach, ufc

i sleep in for my training session this morning so i wont be able to go train till monday. im okay with that. i need some time to rest and absorb it all.

i cannot lie - i really wish molly would have contacted me before i left - i left it up to her. would have been nice to have her wish me well here or something. But what can you do? i just wonder why she would bother even contacting me in the first place.

some of the guys from the house are going to eat and then the beach - im going to go along then later we are going to find a place to watch UFC fights tonight.

i figure i can sit around being sad, being heartbroken, etc....

or i can get out there and make the most of this once in a life time opportunity.

i pick opportunity....

night out, spending money, acai

so i went out with some of the guys from the house - went out for some juice. at a local restaurant - we had some authentic Acai smoothies and let me tell ya - the acai drinks in Canada crap compared to the Acai drink i just had. Mmm, i would have taken a picture but it's night and it's best to not look like a total tourist and a mugging magnet.

Everything is super expensive here I hope that my jeep sells soon as I just dont know how long i can survive down here with the prices of everything.

did not train tonight - was not feeling to good. I wanted to sleep but my body is not cooperating with me. I'm tired but i cannot sleep - go figure.

I'm feeling a lot better now - i signed up for skype and got a free call to anywhere for 10 minutes. Called home and heard the parents voice and that was definitely a soothing experience. I dont have credit card so I'm going to have to find a way to get someone to put some money on skype so i can get the unlimited calling to anywhere in the world. It works out to $14.00 per month i hope that my Mom or my sister can do this for me.

well I will be training tomorrow - decided to Train at Gracie Fusion as it is just around the corner and not a far walk from the house.

writing is keeping me sane right now - just so overwhelmed with everything. probably try to go to bed soon - wake up and go do an afternoon training session.

till then...(unless I can't sleep then i may be up).

First few hours in Rio

just got into rio about 5 hrs ago - still trying to absorb it all. It's a tad bit overwhelming. Got to Rio about 11am Rio time - we were about2hrs late cause we were delayed in Houston last night.

Once i got through customs and out the gates i got hawked by a guy wanting to taxi me - but i was to meet Carlos - who Dennis had sent to pick me up. But this guy would not leave - just very persistant. I finally found Dennis and made my way to Barra da Tijuca.

got to the house - an R$80 cab ride - which i thought was going to be free; but oh well. Im here and will make the best of it.

Dennis showed me a few places here in Rio - went out for lunch and picked up a lock for my locker. Might Go train tonight at Gracie Fusion as it is just aroud the corner - like 2 minutes away while Gracie Barra is 20 minutes away.

I ws really unhappy last night cause I had gone through customs in Calgary and did not know I could not go back out and say goodbye to my family - it was a long lonely fight to houston and then to rio. I need to figure out how to call my family - mainly my parents because they dont have high speed internet and cannot access skype.

very tired and groggy right now. will write if i get to train tonight.

peace out!

last night in lethbridge

well tonight is my last night in Lethbridge for about 5 months. I'm actually goint to miss lethbridge - well at least my family, friends and just knowing where i am and what im doing.

I was supposed to drive up to Calgary to train once more at Gracie Barra Calgary - but my family decided they wanted to have a diner party for me so we ended up going to streetside in.

sitting around using wireless and trying to absorb it all.

I hope that I can sleep; I hope this trip goes smoothly, I hope that I have the money to make it all 4 and a half months.

I hope to forget all the dissappointment and heartache that seems to haunt me here in Southern Alberta.

Next time I post I'll be in Rio - Barra da Tijuca to be exact. I hope to start training by Monday at the latest - preferably at Gracie Barra but might have to go to Gracie Fusion as it is a bit cheap and closer to the house I'll be staying at.

I left it up to Molly to get ahold of me and if she want's to try again it's going to be up to her to win me over - it wont be hard but She has to make the effort. I cannot chase her and get nothing but disappointment and letdown. Not anymore. perhaps I'll meet a hot brazilian gal who'll make me forget all about the heartbreaker from Raymond Alberta.

Well to I hit rio here's to you and life, love and my Jiu Jitsu Adventure....

A.

2 days and counting and one for Molly!

well my Brazilian Visa came on Friday - that was a very quick turn around - i was very worried last week. I guess there are no reasons to not go anymore.

money is going to be very tight until I can sell my vehicle - but it's what I've got to do.

The weather has been a serious hassle - I've been staying at my parent since Friday and on the way back out last night it was like the down pour to end all down pours. heavy rain, lightening and just bascially chaos on the roads last night.

Molly sent me an e-mail - I read it yesterday. Not sure what to think or how to feel - she's part of the reason I'm so ready to leave Southern Alberta behind for awhile. I just wrote her back - not sure if that was good idea or not but all I can do is follow my heart and say what I have to say - and hope for the best.

I bascially told her that im leaving but if she want's back in my life she is always welcome back ...maybe it would have been better to thank her for thinking of me but it was time to say goodbye forever (not really because i think of her everyday, all day.) I dont know but all i know is she affects me like no other has or ever will.

sometimes saying goodbye to something you love but also hurts you is the hardest thing to do. I wonder if we'd ever be a good match for each other or if we'll always end up hurting each other.

some quotes from Cassablanca to help soothe my heart:

"if that plane leaves the ground and you're not with him; you'll regret it. maybe not today,maybe not tomorrow. but soon and for the rest of your life."

"When I said I would never leave you" "And you never will. But I've got a job to do,too. Where I'm going you can't follow. What I've got to do you can't be any part of."


So Molly - I don't know anymore. maybe we try again, maybe this time it works out, maybe we just drift away again, maybe we try again and end up hurting each other, maybe I go away and come back and we're both changed and ready to rule the world. But right now I said what I need to say to you - nothing bad, but with all my heart and honesty.

Molly - I'm not sure we can ever be what each other wants - I want more than anything to be want you want and need. But it seems you can never give yourself to me and I cannot stop myself from taking everything to heart and being broken hearted when you let me down. I'll never be the best looking or richest guy, no house in the suburbs, nothing stable with me - except my love and feelings for you.

Sometimes I wish I never met you - life would be so much easier. Why now, why did you contact me when I was so ready to be over you and move on.

All that's left to say Molly is:

"It's hard to tell you this, Here's looking at you kid..."

At least for now....