Well i've been home for about a week now. Things have not really settled in. I'm still trying to grasp the fact that things did not work out for me and that I had to come home early.
It's snowed two times since I've been here - once last saturday morning and again this past Tuesday. It's an adjustment but one thing that I do not miss is the humidity of Brazil. I think that was probably the hardest part of living down there. It just keep me awake most nights feeling like I was soaked in sweat - not to mention my bed as well.
I decided to go out on a few day bender last week. This was not a good decision but my decision solely. It may have been a fucked up decision but it was mine. I've been reluctant to go out and socialize with people and try to make contact with anyone. I do believe that I've started to fall into a depression. It's been hard to just get out of bed most days - being hunger over notwithstanding - and try to make the most of the situation.
My dad is doing a lot better and was discharged from the hospital on Tuesday evening. He is back home and is looking not bad. He is unable to do much though - he is under orders to take it easy as possible which in turn means that he is not to do anything remotely strenuous. I am glad to see him and see him doing well. But it is scary to see both my parents in poor health. But on the plus side my mother seems to be doing very well and getting stronger everyday.
The current plan is ...well I'm not sure. I was hoping to be back training in Calgary and try to keep up the gains I've made training at Gordo's in Rio. But my money is very tight and I can barely afford to put gas in my vehicle let alone drive that far to train. $40.00 for gas, plus the $25.00 drop in fee to train and probably a snake - means i cannot afford to go up there right now.
I know that the easy solution is to say well look for work - which I've finally started to do. But i've also been asked by my mother if I could stay home with my dad during the days so that he can have someone there to keep an eye on him - in case he has another incident like the last time.
I'm pretty much starting from scratch right now - no money, no job, no place to stay (call my own), no love, no training. It would not have felt so bad if I had been able to stay in Brazil as long as I would have like it because at least I will have known I accomplished what I set out to do.
I take solace in the fact that at least I got to compete in a jiu jitsu tournament down in Brazil and I even Won! I also take into account that I got my blue belt from Gordo the night before I left. I also made some good friends that I hope to see again.
I feel that getting to train everyday was a great blessing but it feels like i just only started to scratch the surface of what I could have accomplished down there. The night that I won that tournament I felt on top of the world for the first time in years - I mean that I felt like I was, in the words for Leonardo Decaprio, "I'm the King of the World!" But in less than a day it was taken from me and I was snapped down to my reality - well the reality of Southern Alberta and my non-existent life here. I mean i love family and friends and a few other things here - but in Rio I felt alive and hopeful about everything. Here in Southern Alberta I just feel hopeless and alone.
I just find it hard to comprehend how one family, mine, can go through so much hardship and disappointment over and over. I wonder about why I finally found my way and my happiness and it was taken from me through no fault of my own. It just seems like "fate" "life" "god" or "whatever" decided you have one moment on top then back down you go.
I hope that things take a turn for me - for the better that is.
oh, if you decide to leave a comment - can you please leave a name as I've enabled comments to allow random people to comment without having to make a blogger account. This way it just makes it easier to thank anyone or contact someone if they leave a message. Also, if you would like to contact me directly go to my profile and click on the contact under my picture and send me a message - it will go directly to my e-mail address. also if you click on the little white box above comments you can read what you wrote or left....but again please leave your name so i can thank you and at least know who is thinking of me...
well that's it for now - I will try to keep up the writing as much as possible and try to work towards finding my way again.
till next time.
A.
p.s the photos are of last saturday - yes it is snowing for anyone from back in Brazil who reads this.
It's snowed two times since I've been here - once last saturday morning and again this past Tuesday. It's an adjustment but one thing that I do not miss is the humidity of Brazil. I think that was probably the hardest part of living down there. It just keep me awake most nights feeling like I was soaked in sweat - not to mention my bed as well.
I decided to go out on a few day bender last week. This was not a good decision but my decision solely. It may have been a fucked up decision but it was mine. I've been reluctant to go out and socialize with people and try to make contact with anyone. I do believe that I've started to fall into a depression. It's been hard to just get out of bed most days - being hunger over notwithstanding - and try to make the most of the situation.
My dad is doing a lot better and was discharged from the hospital on Tuesday evening. He is back home and is looking not bad. He is unable to do much though - he is under orders to take it easy as possible which in turn means that he is not to do anything remotely strenuous. I am glad to see him and see him doing well. But it is scary to see both my parents in poor health. But on the plus side my mother seems to be doing very well and getting stronger everyday.
The current plan is ...well I'm not sure. I was hoping to be back training in Calgary and try to keep up the gains I've made training at Gordo's in Rio. But my money is very tight and I can barely afford to put gas in my vehicle let alone drive that far to train. $40.00 for gas, plus the $25.00 drop in fee to train and probably a snake - means i cannot afford to go up there right now.
I know that the easy solution is to say well look for work - which I've finally started to do. But i've also been asked by my mother if I could stay home with my dad during the days so that he can have someone there to keep an eye on him - in case he has another incident like the last time.
I'm pretty much starting from scratch right now - no money, no job, no place to stay (call my own), no love, no training. It would not have felt so bad if I had been able to stay in Brazil as long as I would have like it because at least I will have known I accomplished what I set out to do.
I take solace in the fact that at least I got to compete in a jiu jitsu tournament down in Brazil and I even Won! I also take into account that I got my blue belt from Gordo the night before I left. I also made some good friends that I hope to see again.
I feel that getting to train everyday was a great blessing but it feels like i just only started to scratch the surface of what I could have accomplished down there. The night that I won that tournament I felt on top of the world for the first time in years - I mean that I felt like I was, in the words for Leonardo Decaprio, "I'm the King of the World!" But in less than a day it was taken from me and I was snapped down to my reality - well the reality of Southern Alberta and my non-existent life here. I mean i love family and friends and a few other things here - but in Rio I felt alive and hopeful about everything. Here in Southern Alberta I just feel hopeless and alone.
I just find it hard to comprehend how one family, mine, can go through so much hardship and disappointment over and over. I wonder about why I finally found my way and my happiness and it was taken from me through no fault of my own. It just seems like "fate" "life" "god" or "whatever" decided you have one moment on top then back down you go.
I hope that things take a turn for me - for the better that is.
oh, if you decide to leave a comment - can you please leave a name as I've enabled comments to allow random people to comment without having to make a blogger account. This way it just makes it easier to thank anyone or contact someone if they leave a message. Also, if you would like to contact me directly go to my profile and click on the contact under my picture and send me a message - it will go directly to my e-mail address. also if you click on the little white box above comments you can read what you wrote or left....but again please leave your name so i can thank you and at least know who is thinking of me...
well that's it for now - I will try to keep up the writing as much as possible and try to work towards finding my way again.
till next time.
A.
p.s the photos are of last saturday - yes it is snowing for anyone from back in Brazil who reads this.
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