By now anyone who reads this will know that I came back to Canada early because of a family emergency that needed to be tended to.
Well those last few days were pretty sad for me. I was just starting to find my place in Brazil and my Jiu Jitsu finally felt like it was reaching it's potential. After years of only being able to train off and on - and some times off for extended periods of time. And all that built up knowledge felt like it was starting to come out on the mats - little by little. Coupled with the knowledge and experience I was picking up down in Rio it felt like the potential was there to take it to new heights. Then of course the craziness started and well it got cut short.
All was not lost as on my second last day in Rio I had gone out to take some pictures and decided to drop by the academy to get some photos from the evening training session that night (Tuesday October 20th) it was a sad time for me as I did not really want to leave; especially under the circumstances that I was leaving under. Emotionally I was a mess those last few days in Rio - and of course it's extended on to my time here in Canada - but I was constantly breaking down: sad because I was leaving, sad because I feared the worst for my father and family, sad because I was not finished what I had started, sad because I was coming home to nothing. I'm not ashamed to say that some tears were shed explaining to Rommel what was going on and why I was not staying as long as I had planned.
I took some pictures of the guys training and after class Gordo and Rommel suggested that I and the guys who were training that night take a group photo. So we all got together for the photo by the training cage with the Gordo logo. Just as we had lined up Gordo pulled out some belts and called me up and awarded me my Blue Belt for winning my category at the Copa Cyclone Jiu Jitsu Tournament 2009. It was very unexpected and a great going away gift - an early present so to speak. It made my leaving a lot more easy because I had achieved one of my Goals for my Rio training trip.
I was able to hold back my emotions and receive my blue belt with a smile on my face. It took a bit longer than i thought it would - i was gunning to receive my blue belt within a month but actually training was a reality check. But I managed to get it done about a month or so later than I had hoped to; but it got done.
There was one more crazy story that occurred on my last day in Brazil but I will save that for my next blog. In the mean time the photos are from my second last day (last evening) in Rio at Gordo's gym.
*That's Gordo in the white Gi giving me my Blue belt and Rommel in the Black Gi after the Group picture.
Well i've been home for about a week now. Things have not really settled in. I'm still trying to grasp the fact that things did not work out for me and that I had to come home early.
It's snowed two times since I've been here - once last saturday morning and again this past Tuesday. It's an adjustment but one thing that I do not miss is the humidity of Brazil. I think that was probably the hardest part of living down there. It just keep me awake most nights feeling like I was soaked in sweat - not to mention my bed as well.
I decided to go out on a few day bender last week. This was not a good decision but my decision solely. It may have been a fucked up decision but it was mine. I've been reluctant to go out and socialize with people and try to make contact with anyone. I do believe that I've started to fall into a depression. It's been hard to just get out of bed most days - being hunger over notwithstanding - and try to make the most of the situation.
My dad is doing a lot better and was discharged from the hospital on Tuesday evening. He is back home and is looking not bad. He is unable to do much though - he is under orders to take it easy as possible which in turn means that he is not to do anything remotely strenuous. I am glad to see him and see him doing well. But it is scary to see both my parents in poor health. But on the plus side my mother seems to be doing very well and getting stronger everyday.
The current plan is ...well I'm not sure. I was hoping to be back training in Calgary and try to keep up the gains I've made training at Gordo's in Rio. But my money is very tight and I can barely afford to put gas in my vehicle let alone drive that far to train. $40.00 for gas, plus the $25.00 drop in fee to train and probably a snake - means i cannot afford to go up there right now.
I know that the easy solution is to say well look for work - which I've finally started to do. But i've also been asked by my mother if I could stay home with my dad during the days so that he can have someone there to keep an eye on him - in case he has another incident like the last time.
I'm pretty much starting from scratch right now - no money, no job, no place to stay (call my own), no love, no training. It would not have felt so bad if I had been able to stay in Brazil as long as I would have like it because at least I will have known I accomplished what I set out to do.
I take solace in the fact that at least I got to compete in a jiu jitsu tournament down in Brazil and I even Won! I also take into account that I got my blue belt from Gordo the night before I left. I also made some good friends that I hope to see again.
I feel that getting to train everyday was a great blessing but it feels like i just only started to scratch the surface of what I could have accomplished down there. The night that I won that tournament I felt on top of the world for the first time in years - I mean that I felt like I was, in the words for Leonardo Decaprio, "I'm the King of the World!" But in less than a day it was taken from me and I was snapped down to my reality - well the reality of Southern Alberta and my non-existent life here. I mean i love family and friends and a few other things here - but in Rio I felt alive and hopeful about everything. Here in Southern Alberta I just feel hopeless and alone.
I just find it hard to comprehend how one family, mine, can go through so much hardship and disappointment over and over. I wonder about why I finally found my way and my happiness and it was taken from me through no fault of my own. It just seems like "fate" "life" "god" or "whatever" decided you have one moment on top then back down you go.
I hope that things take a turn for me - for the better that is.
oh, if you decide to leave a comment - can you please leave a name as I've enabled comments to allow random people to comment without having to make a blogger account. This way it just makes it easier to thank anyone or contact someone if they leave a message. Also, if you would like to contact me directly go to my profile and click on the contact under my picture and send me a message - it will go directly to my e-mail address. also if you click on the little white box above comments you can read what you wrote or left....but again please leave your name so i can thank you and at least know who is thinking of me...
well that's it for now - I will try to keep up the writing as much as possible and try to work towards finding my way again.
till next time.
A. p.s the photos are of last saturday - yes it is snowing for anyone from back in Brazil who reads this.
-well the Copa Cyclone Jiu Jitsu Tournament was this past weekend and I ended up winning my division - first place in the Masters (30yrs old plus) 82kg. it was a great experience overall and something I would love to do again.
i spent most of last week training with Dennis in the afternoon and doing drilling with Thomas from the house. Which paid off a lot as I felt really comfortable at the Tournament. I ended up getting a medal and will get a teeshirt from the event.
this is a good pay off and confirmation that what im doing here and taking this chance was worth it.
-I ended up going out with Thomas to Oswaldo's bar Saturday night with Thomas - we stayed there till about 4am - I actually lost track of time. Well, i ended up staying up most of the night and just letting loose for one night. it was a blow off of stream. As much as i did not want to drink alcohol down here I had fun hanging out and just letting my mind rest for one night.
-i ended up getting an e-mail from my sister sunday morning telling me that she has some bad news about my father. apparently, on Saturday he and my mother were in lethbridge shopping and were on their way out of the shopping centre and just about to load up the groceries when my mother noticed my dad was not responding when she called out his name. she went around the vehicle to find my dad lying on the ground not breathing.
this was another heart attack - caused by irregular heart beats or so ive been told. he was rushed to the hospital in bad condition.
long story short - Im coming home early. I will be leaving Rio on Wednesday at 10pm Rio time and arrive in Calgary at 12:30pm thursday afternoon.
-im not sure how to feel right now - I felt so good and on top of the world Saturday night and it all went down the drain in less than a day. Don't get me wrong i want to be with my family and would not be able to live with myself if the worst were to happen and I was still here in Rio.
But it feels like my dream and time to shine has been taken from me and cut short. Im sure there is no divine intervention but i just wonder why things could not go smoothly for me. for the first time in my life i was doing what i wanted and having things go my way. i really thought that id get my blue belt before i left and the win at the Copa Cyclone would help me on my way to that goal.
feel a bit cheated because there was so much more to accomplish - my jiu jitsu started to feel like it was getting so much better and i was finally getting it right. There was so much more to accomplish, so many more people to meet, so many more days at the beach, so many more things to see, so many more...and now it's gone.
im not sure what im going back to - outside of my family and the support. But i have no job, no prospects, and no money. i really wanted this to work out and it's gone now. im not sure if the blog will keep going. right now im not feeling so great.
Another week or so has come and gone since my last blog update. I'm trying to keep up but you know how it is - just no energy to do so but I hope to change this.
- Well it's been about 2 months since I've come to Rio - I had touched on this in my last post and I must say that it has flown by. I've met alot of new friends and accquintances here. I know some will remain just people that I met and probably end up fading to memory - which sucks but that's how it is sometimes- and others I'm sure that I'll end up keeping in touch with and possibly running in to again.
- The house is fairly full but relatively calm - we have Sam, Gerrad, Thomas, Tom, Jason, Jeremy and myself living in the house. Overall the house is much calmer than when I first arrived which suits me fine. Jeremy will be leaving in about a week and half - not sure who will be in to take his place. hopefully, it will be someone who is calm and not on the partying side.
- speaking of parties. I went out for a late supper on Sunday (to Camacha's restaurant and bar). I had ordered a chicken sandwich with some fries. I also had a coke - I've started drinking coke again whether or not this is good is another story. Anyhow, while I was waiting for my food to come along one of the black belts from Gordo's gym (he's a fisherman) walked by me and shook my hand and said his hellos. A few minutes later he came back with a guy I had seen on the beach before helping with the kite surfing who spoke some English. They asked me what I was up to and I told them that I was having supper they invited me to the other side of the restaurant/bar. They asked me if I'd like some beer - I said no but that I would hang out for awhile. We talked and they told me that I should hang out with them (there ended up being three of them - blackbelt, long hair, and kite surf owner.) They wanted me to go to some places here in Rio - of course I was alone so i was apprehensive about this.
I got my food and ended up sitting down with one of the other house mates who was at the bar as well. I ate and decided to buy the guys some beer. So i ordered a beer (they are in large bottles here) and took it over to the guys and even shared a glass with them. Anyhow, at some point I had drank 4 glasses of beer and was starting to fee buzzed out by this time. I knew from my last experience of drinking that I was playing with fire. By this time the bar was packed with people who were waiting to get into the Samba club that is located above the bar. This meant that there were females all over the place - very tempting. They also tried to teach me a song that is sung here something along the lines of "I'm single and in Rio de Janerio" which I assume is some sort of single guy mating call. I took a deep breath and told the guys that I would have to take a rain check as I needed to get up early to train - which was a partial lie as monday was a holiday here in Brazil and the gym was closed but were were going to train - just not till later in the day. Anyhow, that was my experience of a wild sunday night.
- About a month back I was at the gym training in the afternoon with Dennis and most of the house here at the Connection Rio HQ. Anyhow, there was a young guy there doing some filming for a school project - something to do with "why people come to Rio and Train Jiu Jitsu." Anyhow here is the clip with some of the guys in the house- you even get to see me once or twice..ha ha!
-Jason, Thomas and I decided that we were going to go to Restaurante Fronteira on Friday - the all you can eat pizza place. Anyhow it had been raining quite heavy for about 3 days and finally let up a little that evening. So we decided to go out and catch a cab and meet Greg at the restaurant. We walked down to the grocery store so I could use the bank machine as I had no cash on me. So we did that and decided to try the cab stand right in front of the grocery store. so we asked the lady if we could get a cab to the restaurant. Anyhow after a long wait we said to hell with it and decided to walk to the other cab stand about a block away. We got there and waited for a cab to arrive. Long story short, we waited about 20 mins and decided to just walk to the restaurant as the rain seemed to have let up. We began walking to the restaurant and about 5 minutes into the walk we should have crossed the street just before bridge like we normally do but for whatever reason we did not and just keep walking. Well along came a city bus just as we were walking near a large puddle on the road. It was perfect timing on the bus' and our part as we ended up getting splashed with a large amount of water. All three of us were soaked on our left sides.
this prompted us to quickly cross the road and continue on the restaurant. Just as we crossed the bridge and started to walk to the overpass it started to down pour. We tried to hail some cabs but with out luck. In the end we tried to wait out the rain - and it ended up letting up enough so that we could walk quickly to the restaurant. we spent about 2hrs in the restaurant trying to dry up. Needless to say we cabbed it back home.
- well I finally ended up talking to that cute gal from the Bakery - it was by accident. I went out on saturday to buy a new towel and decided to drop by the bakery for a coffee. Anyhow, she was working and what not. being the bashful, none Portuguese speaking fool I am. I just stood there drinking my coffee and trying to not be so creepy. Ha ha! I usually walk around with my ear phones in and this time was no different. Anyhow, at one point I noticed some of the girls talking and pointing to to me - so I took my earphones off. They said something to me - but not speaking the language I could not understand what was being said. In my extremely broken Portuguese I was able to convey to the gals that I could not speak much Portuguese and that I was from Canada. I tried to show them (speak) some of the words that I knew which elicited laughter from them - including the cute, short gal. Anyhow, she asked me something but again I could not understand. But I got a smile from her and that's a start I guess. Next mission is to ask her for her name and number - oh and work on my Portuguese.
-we decided to have a BBQ last night (Monday) and all went well except for the fact that we could not get the fire started. Jeremy, ended up going down to the market and getting some lighter fluid for the Charcoal. Anyhow, the guys were in the BBQ area trying to start it - I was in doors chopping up some green peppers. At one point all I heard was lots of screaming and then laughter - as well as an accompanying fire ball. What had happened is that Greg (another Aussie who stays in an apartment a good distance away but trains at Gordo's) had decided to get right in the BBQ stove with his lighter, after the coals had been saturated with lighter fluid. He light the lighter and well the ensuing fire ball burnt some of the hair in front as well as lightly burning some of his lip and nose. It could have been alot worse but it was not and produced one of the more comical episodes here in Rio. I also heard that after the initial fireball that Greg ran to the pool and dipped his face in. This was too funny and again one of those things, like the bus splashing us, that only happens in movies or to other people.
-Well only a few more days till the cyclone tournament - it should be an interesting experience. I don't know what to expect but I'll try to have fun and just give it my best. The next blog will be about the tournament and any thing that goes on in between then.
take care and all the best to anyone who reads this.
Andre p.s. sorry for the misleading title but you know..ha ha!
Well another week has come and gone - the time just flies here. I cannot believe I've been here in Brazil for 2 months (a couple days short). I can remember getting on that plane in Calgary thinking that I'd made the biggest mistake of my life-quit my job, moving to a foreign country not knowing the language, moving to pursue my passion that had taken a backseat to other priorities in life. I must be honest I was scared and cried on the plane ride to Houston. The ride from Houston to Rio was crowed and cramped and the whole time I was just wanting to be home. Getting to the Airport in Rio and not being able to find Carlos (the cab driver sent by Dennis) and almost getting accosted by another taxi driver that would not leave me alone. The drive here and realizing the enormity of not only the city but what I had just done.
Here I was a nobody from Southern Alberta in Rio chasing my dream. Not only that but being of Native descent most people dont expect much other than to become an alcoholic living off of the system. And here I was proving them wrong - a two time University Graduate who moved to Rio to try and turn his part time passion into something beyond just a part time passion.
Those first few days were lonely as hell and it's had it's up's and downs since then. But I guess when you give it all up and go off to chase that rainbow in the hopes that someday you reach the end and find that pot of gold it will not be easy and there will be lean, scary, times. But I've made it this far and I've proven to myself that I can do what I want - I just need to go out and get it. The trick is to stay strong and not get discouraged when you run into road blocks.
NO RETREAT, NO REGRETS!
That said, I must say that I will be happy to be home - probably my parents for awhile - and just knowing that my parents are there and I can see them again. Just my family and friends in General.
On the Rio Front:
1. I got really sick last Friday night - food poisoning. Needless to say it was a really rough night and Saturday was no better. yuck!
2. We went to see one of the black belts from the Academy fight on Sunday. I'm happy to say that Zorro won his fight. It was a back and forth war with a guy from Brazilian Top Team. In the end Zorro won via tko from strikes on the ground. But in all honesty it was more due to the other guy being more exhausted than Zorro. Great fight either way.
3. Same night - I lost my favorite sweater (hoodie) - that being my Gaslight Anthem hoodie. So somewhere out there somebody has a piece of me with them and also a great sweater. I hope they rock it with as much pride as I did. Although it would be much better if I were to somehow get it back....wishful thinking.
4. Well the house is almost full again. Jordan left last Sunday, Steve moved out and is staying with Pablo (another guy who trains at Gordo's), Alpar left awhile back to live with his girlfriend, and phillip left back to Germany today. In there place we have a young fellow from the UK named Thomas and another guy from the USA (his name escapes me at the moment.) so in total we have Jeremy, Jason, Sam, Thomas, USA guy, and myself for a total of 6 people in the house at the moment. Most nights now are pretty quiet - which is fine by me.
5. Anyone who stayed in the house for the month of October got a brand new Gi from Connection Rio (Dennis) and Pride fight wear. It was absolutely unexpected but totally appreciated - I would have never expected to get something like this. New Gi's run at least $150.00 back home. Being on a very strict budget meant that I could not afford a new one while down here. All thanks to Dennis and Connection Rio- Dennis is one of truely nice guys who seems to be finishing first. He deserves all the best. If you plan on coming to Rio and training Jiu Jitsu Connection Rio is by far the best option for anyone. Here is the website:
http://www.connectionrio.com
please give them a holler if you plan on coming to Rio to Train JIu JItsu - they will treat you right.
6. Training seems to be going up and down. The previous two weeks I felt that I was making strides but this past week (thus far) I feel like a newbie again. Not sure why - i hope it's just because of the fact that I was sick and feeling sluggish all week.
7. I think the language barrier is what's making it hard to meet gals here - it's easy enough to say hi to them and start those initial sparks - but them not speaking English and me not speaking Portoguese means that the sparks die out pretty quickly. I'm trying to make the effort to learn the language alot more. We'll see how it goes.
Well as is customary I'll end with a tune copied from youtube - in this case it's a song by the band Left Alone entitled "Porcelain." The song starts off with the lyrics:
"Never thought she'd ever want a piece of my love, 'cause blue eyed girls never want to talk. Never thought she'd ever want a piece heart, 'cause guys like me never end up on top." The lines from this song just hooked me from the first time. I mean cause really coming from southern Alberta the blonde, blue eyed girls never seem to want to talk to guys like me - you know Native, tattooed - I.E. not white. I thought i'd found the one beautiful blue eyed girl who would take a chance on me - see past skin colour that 99% of people in Southern Alberta cannot seem to get past. At least in terms of Natives. Because lets be honest you don't ever see many couple of White and Native backgrounds in Southern Alberta - they are few and far between. But i guess somethings are just too hard to deal with. OH well, what can you do? till next time - stay safe and love life....
