Please let me have who I want this time, what I want...

Nothing really to this particular blog - just on my last couple of days of work and feeling scared and happy all at once. I will miss working here and the cool co-workers I work with and just the atmosphere here at the U of L.

Things seem to be slowly going forward - I just heard from Pousada da Sol. in Barra da Tijuca section of Rio and they sent me a quote for one room. Pousada da Sol is like 15 minutes walk from Gracie Barra in Barra da Tijuca - so i hope this works out it would be perfect.

I just hate to get my hopes up; as every time i do things seem to just go to hell and fall apart. I got my passport in the mail, finally. Now just book my flight, send away for my visa, sell my Jeep. And then off to find some happiness.

This song is from the movie This is England and it's just my soundtrack to my life on June 29th, 2009.

"The life that I've had can make a good man bad. For once in my life let me have who

I want. Lord knows it would be the first time."

Take care and all the best to anyone who reads this.

peace

A.

The Carni

I found out yesterday, June 19^th 2009, that my best friend throughout high school died on June 14^th 2009.  His Name was Rob Morning Owl (Bobby Lee but I always knew him as Rob).  It’s hard to know how to feel.  At this moment there is an empties and almost a state of shock.  I found out from my sister Jill via a text yesterday.  At first it was shocking but I did not have time absorb it.  A few hours later it started to hit me and I started to think more and more about him and process things.  I must confess that at the time of his passing we were not close at all.  That time came and went but whenever he ran into me he’d always say hello and inquire about what I’m up to and things he’d heard about me.  I’d always try to be as friendly and open to him as possible.  But our paths diverted many years ago and many times it was hard to know what to say to him.

 

I went on to find my way through University not once but twice and found an outlet in Martial Arts.  Rob found himself in and out of jail and continued to find his outlet in alcohol and the on the edge lifestyle.  I struggled to keep my demons and vices in check; Rob seemed to never overcome and at times embraced his.  I feel dated and feel in love but never did find the “Girl with the Heart of Gold” and forged ahead alone, Rob was living with someone and had a kid – I’m not sure if he ever found “that girl with the heart of gold” but I never asked and now I’ll never know.

 

Out of respect to Rob my friend I won’t go into to many details or specifics about his troubles.  I met Rob at Catholic Central High School here in Lethbridge – if I recall correctly it was my grade 10 year.  There was an instant connection based on mutual interests-mainly the same taste in music and that fact we were both growing up Native in Southern Alberta – which is a struggle even nowadays.  A struggle to gain acceptance, or at the very least tolerance, in a white world where more often than not you’re a “Drunk Indian” before you are anything else.

 

As years went on it became a very strong bond; unfortunately, this bond also included partaking in alcohol consumption.  I do believe that we both became instantly overtaken with the allure of the bottle.  We both had good times and bad times but through it all Rob was there as my friend.

 

It was around my last year of High School when our paths completely diverged.  Rob ran into a lot of money he had coming his way about a year earlier and guess that’s when probably when our paths began to go separate ways.  But by that last year of high school I think we’d moved in different directions.  High School came and went – some good times, some bad times, mostly just lots of days there were neither good nor bad; mostly just forgettable.  We kept tabs with each other and occasionally went out on alcohol-fueled excursions.  Then one day we just suddenly lost track of each other.  I’d occasionally hear stories that Rob was living here or there.  But mostly I just never heard much about him.  Sometimes he’d call my parents house and sometimes I’d be there, sometimes I would get a message from my parents that Rob had called.

 

During this time I’m not sure what Rob was into or the specifics of his life during those times we completely lost track of each other.  Somehow I managed to keep my head above the chaos of Alcoholism- sometimes barely.  After a bit of trial and error I managed to graduate from University with a B.A. in Philosophy.  I spent some time bouncing from job to job nothing really stable and not much purpose.  Every now and again I’d run into Rob at the mall, coffee shop, etc.  I ended up going back to University and eventually obtaining my Bachelor of Education.  I remember having a conversation with Rob and he had asked me what I was up to and I had mentioned that I was at the University taking a Philosophy.  Rob had said something about getting back to drawing (Rob was really a good artist) and that he’d like to try and get into tattooing.  As far as I know he never really took that steps to make that happen; then again I could be wrong because as I had mentioned before we lost touch with each other.

 

It’s funny how sometimes two people can come together with a common bond – seemingly from nothing, have many of the same struggle but come out with very different outcomes.  I look at my life and the paths and journeys I’ve taken and wonder why and how I managed to avoid many of the keep pitfalls that others have not been able to overcome.  With all the danger and risks I’ve taken it could easily be me that could be down and out or worse.  I hate to speculate and try and find reasons why but I would suspect that it is because I come from a stable, sober and supportive family.  Through all my ups and downs, triumphs and fuck ups – my Parents (Mom and Dad) have stuck by me when others have given up on me.  When I went from a young boy experimenting with alcohol, to the life of the party, to just another drunk Indian that was to be avoided my parents were there to support me and help me get back on up on my feet and find my way again.  I don’t think Rob had this support system – I cannot say for sure because perhaps he found it and was just unable to stop himself from self-destructing.  I can only write from what I remember about Rob and his life.

 

One thing that I do know about Rob and that he seemed to be very proud of was that fact that he had been able to hook himself up with a carnival company.  He spent his summers traveling with the carnival and in essence becoming the “Rock Star” we had both talked about.  Oh, yeah in our youth we both had decided that we were going to form a band – I played guitar and rob drummed and sang – and take over the world.  Live the dream of every young boy who has a “wild young rock and roll” heart.  I guess in becoming a Carni Rob was able to travel the country and see the world much like the Rock Stars we were both going to become.

 

So here I sit writing this on Monday June 22, 2009; 7 days after my friend has past on to whatever awaits us all when our time is done in this plane of existence.  I’m sitting in the downtown Lethbridge Starbucks and Chapters; which is the last place I saw and briefly talked to Rob.  I never really knew what to say to Rob in these past few years and the last time was no different.  I had lost touch with him and just did not know where to start or what to say.  We chitchatted briefly and then we went our separate ways.  It’s raining all I can hope for is that it is a nice sunny day when my old friend is laid to rest.

 I hope that when we meet again that there will be no awkward silences and that everything will be as it was.   Maybe wherever we end up when were gone from this place we’ll get that chance to become stars and friendships never burn out.  Take care and have fun on your final travel and keep that Ferris Wheel turning.

*I was just asked to read the Obituary for Rob last night.  I hope I can do him justice.  I won't fuck this up.  We lost track of each other but maybe this can make up for the lack of friendship during his last few years.

That it wasn’t just the same sad song

Have you ever had the experience of hearing a song that impacted you the minute you heard?  You know that feeling like the words sung are about you and your experience, if now then you are missing out.  I’ve been lucky to have experienced this phenomenon on more than one occasion.  Bands from The Rolling Stones and Beatles to Social Distortion and The Bouncing Souls and everything in between have had this effect on me.  I could go on and on about every song and band that have had this impact on me; unfortunately, that would be an arduous task that would take up the space of a few novels and an enormous amount of time that I just don’t have at the moment.

Instead I’m choosing to focus on the one band that has had the most impact on me in terms of their music, lyrics, and message.  Of course if you know a bit about my musical tastes you’ll know doubt know that my tastes are of the punk rock variety as well as music that is more of the honest, truthful, non-commercial sort.  Long story short, you’ll never hear me singing along to Nickel Back, Taylor Swift, or the Jonas Brothers.  You can add the formulaic, uninspired music known as Emo, Screamo, grind-core, basically the music with band members who all look interchangeable; long bangs, blonde streaks, tight girly pants, way too small tee shirts, music with a neo-metal tinge and the crème de la crème - cookie monster vocals.

“But Mary I’ve found the sound and this heart keeps pouring it out and the glory hasn’t come and it’s probably gonna fade like a tattoo that hides the shame…”

Of course I’m talking about The Gaslight Anthem.  I discovered them in August of 2008 and it’s been a love affair, obsession ever since.  One that I’m proud to admit; in fact, you can ask any number of people who know me about how I’ve pushed them and talked about them to no end.  Some people know honest, true and good music when they hear it – and get The Gaslight Anthem and become almost as obsessed as I am.  Others, well to each their own I guess – you can’t account for taste or lack there of.

So I could string together adjective after adjective about how much they kick ass, rule, rock the hell out.  Instead I’ll attempt to provide the proof in the songs and lyrics themselves.

“And then I heard it like a shot from my skull to my brain. I felt my finger- tips tingle and it started to rain. When the walls of my bedroom were trembling around me…”

The title of this particular blog as well as the above quote are from the song title “I’da Called You Woody, Joe” of the album Sink or Swim.  Now from what I know this song is a tribute of sorts to the late Joe Strummer of The Clash fame.  From reading the lyrics it’s about the feeling and impact that The Clash had on Brian Fallon (the singer of The Gaslight Anthem.)

Now I think that anyone who is into rock music can attest to the feeling of sitting in your room, having your ear phones on, driving your car and hearing a band or song that just hits you like a tonne of bricks.  Now I can recall the first time that I heard The Gaslight Anthem – it was less a tonne of brick and more like being steamrolled – as the first time I heard them as at work in my cubicle.  But the same overall impact – just being blown away by what I was hearing.

If you have not heard this song I suggest that you go out and buy the album, look it up on i-tunes, or perhaps youtube it.  If you’re a fan of punk rock, not emo or the garbage that is considered punk rock/alternative music nowadays, I defy you to keep still when you hear this song.  At the very least you’ll be tapping your feet.

You know that feeling of being young, broken hearted, feeling like you’re alone.  Okay maybe we’ve not all felt this but to some of us this feeling is all too familiar. The Gaslight Anthem captures this feeling perfectly with “I’da Called You Wood, Joe.” In particular, the chorus of this particular song, which is as, follows:

“And this was the sound of the very last gang in town.  As heard by my wild young heart, like directions on cold dark night; saying let it out, let it out, let it out you’re doing alright.  And I heard in his chain gang soul that it wasn’t just the same sad song. Saying let it out, let it out, let it out you’re doing alright.”

Now if you’re lucky, or perhaps unlucky, you’ll have had the pleasure of hearing me sing along (yell?) out this chorus.  In all honesty, if you love a good rock song, then I cannot fathom how anyone cannot just get the overwhelming urge to get up and yell at the top of their lungs to this song.  The music, the lyrics are perfect – they bring me back to those times when all that mattered was your favorite band, the beer in your hand, mending your broken heart and that very moment; nothing less, nothing more.

“And I carried these songs like a comfort where ever I’d go.  And they was there when my summers was high and there when she left me alone; saying my soul is hard to find.”

It’s odd how the very feeling that Brain had listening to The Clash was my very story.  I discovered The Gaslight Anthem during the summer of 2008.  I really thought that summer was going to be my summer; when things all feel together.  After a year and a half of aching for a particular gal I finally got the courage to act on my feelings, I was training at Grace Barra and noticing the difference in my Jiu Jitsu, I had a steady job that I liked and had kept for a few years, my mother was getting better.  Yeah things were looking pretty spectacular – I was going to finally shine, my turn to be the star of the play we call life.  But as most things in life, this string of good luck was only fleeting.  And really The Gaslight Anthem came into my life when “my summers was high and there when she left me alone.”  In short I’ll always remember the summer of 2008 as the summer of ‘disappointment’ but also the summer I discovered The Gaslight Anthem.  If nothing else I can look back at that and someday see that the summer of 2008 was not so bad because The Gaslight Anthem and their healing sounds came into my life.

“I’m famous now for all these rock-n-roll songs and even if that’s a lie, she should have given me a try.”

Ahh, unrequited love, broken hearts, Saturday night’s alone waiting for a that phone call that will never come, the one that got away.  It’s safe to say that a full encyclopedia’s worth space could be dedicated to all the songs written about the subject and or along similar themes.  I must confess that I am a sucker for a good broken hearted song; in fact it does not necessarily have to be good – as I sheepishly admit to being a fan of cheesy 80’s heavy metal ballads.

However, it takes more than some cheesy lines and worn out clichés to truly make a memorable and timeless song on topic that has been done to death; flogging a dead horse would be putting it mildly.  But every once in awhile you come across a band that gets it right the perfect music, perfect lyrics, perfect! The Gaslight Anthem hits it dead on with their track entitled “Here’s looking at you, Kid” off of the album The ’59 Sound.

I can vividly remember the first time I heard this particular song.  I was stuck in cubicle hell in the midst of my summer of discontent (lord did I just commit that to writing?)  Have you ever had the pleasure of having a song bring you tears?  Well, I was fortunate enough to avoid having that happen at work but it was close.  If you have not heard this song I suggest going to my lone blog for April 2009, as I was able to embed a youtube clip of the song in that particular blog.  Once you hear it you’ll know why and if you’ve read my April blog you’ll know who brought the sadness and whose name can be input in place of that names mentioned in this particular track.  If not that’s cool to.

The song is essentially about 3 gals (Gale, Jane, Anna) who’ve broken the singer’s heart and did not see what they had in front of them; letting a good thing get away for what at the time, seemed like the flashier choice.  What I like about the song is that is not intended as a malicious rant against the ones who played the roll of the “cold hearted bitch.”  Instead it’s just, in my interpretation, a final ‘sigh’ and ‘good-bye’ to the gals done via song.  I believe that most of us have had at least one of those “I wish I was want you wanted but I’m not and that’s the worst feeling in the world” encounters.  I know I have and I think that’s why this song resonates with me as much as it does.

Although the song as whole is about as strong as a song can be there are a couple of stand out moments within this particular song both lyrically and musically.  I’ll attempt to describe and convey them to you.

The first instance occurs approximately 28 seconds into the song with the following lines:

“When we were kids on the field on the first day of school, I would have been her fool.  And I would have sang out your name in those old high school halls.  You tell that Gale if she calls.” 

This particular part of the song always gets me.  I guess it’s because I finally met someone who made me feel like singing out loud for, who I would followed to the ends of time and back again, who I would have gladly been a fool for.  But of course as with most things in life what seems too good to be true is most likely too good to be true; an illusion if you will.  A huge disappointment in a life filled with disappointment.

“And tell her I spent every night of my youth on the floor; bleeding out from all these wounds.  And I would have gotten her right out of that town she despises.  You tell that Jane’y if she writes.”

When you’re aching for the one person that will never be yours thoughts seem to run in and out of  your head over and over.  What was wrong with me, why could she not see in me what others see, why would she want to stay where she is when we could see the world together?  You know, just basically killing yourself wondering what you could have done to win them over and take a chance you.

“You remind Anna if she asks why?  That a thief stole my heart while she was making up her mind.  I heard she lives in Brooklyn with the cool and goes crazy over that New York scene on 7^th avenue.  But I used to wait in the diner a million nights without her, praying she won’t cancel again tonight.”

Hmm, probably summing up everything that is song is about – waiting for someone who’ll never show up, never call, never see what they’re missing out on.  I can relate to being stuck on someone who just not seem to know what she wants; who seems to be falling for the supposed “cool” fad, life, people.

Waiting alone in diner, well in my case a coffee shop, waiting for someone to show up – hoping they won’t cancel, stand me up, bring a sister or friend along if they do show, or not bothering to even acknowledge you’d asked them out then contacting you a week later like nothing ever happened.

One thing to also point out in this song is the “look what you could have had” factor.  Exemplified by the following opening lines to the first two first verses.

“You can tell Gale if she call’s, that I’m famous now for all these rock and roll songs and even if that’s a lie, she should have given me a try.”

“You can tell Jane if she writes, that I’m drunk off all these stars and crazy Hollywood nights.  That’s total deceit but she should have married me.”

To me this is what I find myself doing – hoping that I’m more that I really am.  That I’m someone who is loving life, forgotten all about her because my life is so great, that my dreams are coming true.  But really none of that would be true because I’m still stuck here, still longing for her, still waiting for that phone call, text or e-mail that never comes.

Look at me; I have money, a great job, I’m traveling, I’m a Jiu Jitsu star.  But really I’m not anything of note; just the same old Andre.  While she’s off living her life I cannot get over the part of my life that had her in it.  And I could lie about all my accomplishments but it would not make one single iota’s difference.  I’ll never be what she wants – even less so as the days go by.  I just get older, more in debt, yet still chasing pots of gold that seem so distant and empty sometimes.

I really could go on and on about The Gaslight Anthem and I will post other stuff about them.  Like my fantastic trip through the Rocky Mountains – braving November weather – to see them open for 3 other bands last year.  Or the amazing night they played in Calgary where I got to forget life for awhile and hang with good friends.  I’ve got so much to say about them.  But save some for later dates is what I say. If I’ve tweaked your interest go out look them up, buy their album, they are playing in Calgary on September 07, 2009.  At the very least youtube them and find out why they mean so much to me.  Find out why they are not just another band and why all their sad songs are not just the same old sad songs. I’ve got nothing but time so I’ll end with:

“No it’s hard to tell you this, no it’s hard to tell you this.  Here’s looking at you kid.”

White Stripes

Okay this is not about that pale gal who plays drums with that even paler guy who plays guitar – you know the rock and roll band The White Stripes.  This about a different type of white stripes; the white stripes that you find on the belts that are used to denote a Brazilian Jiu Jitsu players level of competence.

 

The belts in Brazilian Jiu Jitsu (BJJ being grappling in a Gi) are as follows:

 

White – Blue – Purple – Brown –Black.

 

The white belt being the starting point with the eventual goal of the coveted black belt being the ultimate goal of a Brazilian Jiu Jitsu practitioner.  Hence, I would start out as a white belt and at some point get promoted to Blue, then Purple, Brown and finally a Black Belt – in my limited knowledge (laziness) it would appear that most martial arts hold the black belt as the highest level (from there you get degrees – 6^th degree black belt, etc…)  Within in BJJ (Brazilian Jiu Jitsu) each belt is also denoted by white stripes – little stripes of white tape – on the end of the of a BJJ practitioner’s belt.  Each belt can accumulate up to 4 stripes before the practitioner will be ready to move on to the next colour belt.  For example a person may be a 4 stripe Blue belt; now once his or her instructor feels they are ready to move up (gained a certain level of competence) they will not receive a fifth stripe on their blue belt they will in fact be awarded their 0 stripe Purple then begin the task of working their way up; 1 stripe purple, 2 stripe purple, etc.  Does this make sense? I hope so.  If not then maybe do some further research as I’m just not here to do that nor do I feel like doing that for anyone.  Capiche?

 

Now let me digress a bit.

 

I formally started off doing a form of BJJ that some call No-Gi Grappling or Submission Grappling in 2004.  I had been a fan of the UFC, Pride, MMA (mixed martial arts) since I first had the opportunity to view it in 1995.  But at that time there really few options for a budding grappler – outside of judo or high school wrestling – in Southern Alberta; hence not really having many options to pursue this particular interest.  One afternoon in May of 2004 I happened to come across a variety show on one of the local stations.  On this particular day they just so happened to have Lee Mein and one of his local fighters who were training for a fight and doing a little demo for the TV program.  Lee and his student were showing off various moves from BJJ.  Now being a relative newbie to the whole grappling – outside of enjoying the ground game (as it’s called) on MMA pay-per-views programs.  I took it for what it was worth and ended up going to Lee’s club and joining up a few weeks later.  Thus I became a BJJ practitioner (some may argue this point – the whole No-Gi vs Gi debate that causes much anger and discontent amongst practitioners).  I refuse to get into that debate as it tends to anger people and at times cause fallout.  So for my sake and ego I became a BJJ practitioner in late May/early June of 2004 (the exact date escapes me at this time.)

 

I could really go on and on about my time at Lee’s gym – and at some point there will be other stories – but for the time being I’m going to get to the point of this little digression.  In April of 2007 I earned my blue belt in BJJ Mr. Roy Harris.  To me it had been 3 yrs of on and off hard work.  I say on and off because I had decided to go back to school and get my Education Degree during the spring of 2004 and formally joined the Faculty of Education at the University of Lethbridge in September of 2004.  In between school and work it was hard to totally dedicate my time to my new pursuit – but I did what I could.  Some believe that belts and such are of no importance within grappling world; to this I say hogwash.  In my opinion a true BJJ practitioner will hold the belts with the utmost respect and pride; it signifies a level not only competence but also a certain level of knowledge.  In addition, it also signifies a level of dedication and commitment on the practitioner’s part.  Feel free to disagree with me; in the end it’s just my opinion and yours.

 

Now Lee’s gym is purely focused on the No-gi Grappling and  how it transfers better to mixed martial arts.  Which was fine with me; as I do believe that you do good with what you have and make the most of what you have to work with.  However with the popularity of the MMA there was a significant influx of what I like to call the “douche-bag” factor at my local gym (dojo –but really saying dojo makes me feel like the karate kid) which really took away some of the camaraderie, friendship, openness that the gym had when I first joined it.  Now you were having to deal with Bench Monkeys who knew no concept of what it means to roll, go lightly, have fun; in addition the respect that I feel BJJ instills in a practitioner.  Now the gym was overrun with muscle bound goons who were out to be the ‘Next’ Ultimate Fighter.  Which really made for some nerve wracking No-Gi Sessions as well as a longing for the old days when the gym was not so popular and you actually had that sense of family.  Don’t get me wrong, there are and still are some really great guys that train at the gym – I call the OF’s (Original Fighters) the core group of fighters at this gym who were doing this whole MMA thing long before it became the new extreme sport.

 

As luck would have it a new light came shining through in the form of Gracie Barra Black Belt Josh Russell.  An acquaintance of my from the CMAC (Canadian Martial Arts Centre – Lee’s gym) had informed me that he had taken some private lessons with Josh and the he had learned quite a lot during these sessions.  My curiosity had been spurned and contacted Josh. This was during the summer of 2007; well one thing led to another and I never really made the true effort to get a private lesson with Josh.

 

The Fall of 2007 was what I call the season of my mothers rebirth.  Now without going into to many details. My mother had been sick for a few years prior to the fall of 2007 – during which time doctors had been unable to correctly diagnose her ailment.  After a close call in May of 2007 the physicians finally got it right and realized that she had liver disease and would require a new liver; in the meantime she would have to endure frequent visits to the hospitals to get a procedure known as ‘banding.’  Well long story short during the month of October 2007 my mother got the call that a liver had been found – blessing answered.  Joy all round, my fears somewhat alleviated.  The time was right to stop worrying about my mother’s health as she was going to be better and start caring about my life again.  I say this without any hint malice – as I would gladly give my life for my mother or any other member of my family.  It’s just that I was ready to start doing the things I loved doing again as I had put everything on hold during this time.   Jiu Jitsu being one of the things I ceased to do.  Now my mothers trials and the story of that are for another time and perhaps may just be left alone.  If I do write about them then you’ll know the full story if not; well you know enough.

 

So with my newfound willingness and wanting to get back to my life; I made contact with Josh during December of that year.  I ended up booking some time for a private lesson on a Saturday afternoon in December.  As I don’t have my notes on had – at this time I cannot accurately remember what Josh helped me with that day.  What I do know was that I learned more in that one hours session than I had in the previous year.  It is an amazing thing to have a high level black belt give you pointers and weed out small things you need to do and should be doing for any number of techniques.  I enjoyed it so much that I booked another private training session for a few weeks later.  I continued to take a private lesson here and there with Josh well into 2008.

 

So in April of 2008 I decided that I would join Gracie Barra Calgary as I realized that I really wanted to learn true Brazilian Jiu Jitsu – meaning Jiu Jitsu with a Gi on.  From about May to early September of 2008 I was making trips up to Calgary to train at Gracie Barra – a 2 ½ hour drive (one way).  I must say it was tiring but well worth the skills I was learning and atmosphere I found myself in.  Unfortunately, a major ankle injury, a skin infection on my leg, as well as a few other mishaps all conspired to blow the wind out of my sails and I stopped going to train.  Essentially I ended up wasting a few months of dues stuck in a major depressive episode in which all I could really do was get up in the morning and drag myself to work.  It took all my energy just to do that and make it through the day.  Jiu Jitsu was always on my mind; among other things.  I keep saying that “today’ would be the day I would make it back up and train do what I love doing.  I said this everyday during the fall or 2008.   But I never did make it up back up to train at Gracie Barra after early September 2008.  I just did not have the mental strength to get over my troubles and get that ‘willingness’ and ‘desire’ to forcefully get myself out of the dark days I found myself in.

 

Even more digression!

Sometimes I wonder if I’m truly messed up in the head or just in love with being sad; or perhaps a combination of both.  I really don’t know; most days I just accept the fact that I do have some emotional and mental issues that are just there.  I would really not want anyone to have to go through the kind of mental states that I find myself in at times.  Does this make me any less of a person?  I would hope not – I feel that I do the best I can and for my part I do believe that 95% of the time I’m a good person who is caring, loving and giving.  I give everything to the ones and things in my life that I love.  It’s just that other 5% of the time that seems to creep in and make me feel bad for my lack of sociability and/or approachability.  All I can do is just try to keep my head above the crap that I deal with from time to time and hope that while in the dark days that I don’t burn any bridges or hurt anyone deeply.  For the most part I feel that I’m successful and the people that do know me know that I just need to be given time and left to my own – that the “Real Andre” will come back and the “closed in” creep is only temporary.

 

Back on topic - sorta!

I believe that one must be good to themselves and be able to look themselves in the mirror and be happy with what they see staring back at them.  This involves forging and strengthening the relationships in your life.  Relationships being with people and with the activities that you love doing; hence, in January of 2009 I came back to a love of mine.  I started training back at Gracie Barra Calgary and reacquainted myself with BJJ.  Starting to train again I believe is and was ‘me’ being good to myself.  I must be honest and say that I have only been going off and on – as the weather, work, and life in general just work together (or so it seems) to not allow me to get up to train as much as I would like to.  Take today (June 03, 2009) for instance; I had been in a meeting for most of the day, got out of it, then had a pile of work to do.  By the end of the day I just did not have it in me to rush home, pack up, then make the 2 1/2hr drive up to Calgary – then drive back, arrive home about 12:00am, shower, try to unwind and hope that I can fall asleep by about 1am if I’m lucky (most nights I’m up a lot later than 1am.)  Then get up at 7am to do it all over again.   A year ago I was mentally stronger, without as much emotional baggage that is still lingering around me.  I’m working on getting to a point where I’m strong enough to get up there a few times a week.  There is also the issue of gas prices, money; as I am trying to save money for my large adventure.

 

Now in my time training at Gracie Barra I’ve come to realize that my BJJ as not where I felt it should be – especially in terms of wearing a gi.  So once I joined Gracie Barra Calgary I willfully accepted going back to white belt – no disrespect to my former trainers and Mr. Harris.  But I was just not up to par with the guys in the gym.  I feel that I had been able to keep up my training that I would have no doubt been promoted to Blue Belt by now under Gracie Barra and confirmed and strengthened my original awarding of blue belt.  Long story short – I’ve been stuck at the white belt stage for over a year now (roughly the time I’ve spent training at Gracie Barra Calgary) without any stripes.  Which has been a source of disappointment for me – as I know that the knowledge is there it’s just a matter of putting the mat time in and refining and applying my technique.  I’ve come to accept that at this time it’s monumental for me to even get up there once a week – which is about what I’ve been stuck at.  But it still eats away at you as you see others who’ve trained for less time rise in the ranks; both in the color of their belt and or stripes, as well as their overall application and mastery of their techniques.

 

So there I was up in Calgary last week – I had actually made it up to train.  Holding my own, at times, but mostly getting dominated left and right – which is humbling but also a learning lesson.  Class was over and I was eager to hit the road, go over what we had drilled that night, listen to music and get home a bit earlier than I usually do – as it was a Tuesday and I managed to get to the Gi class but was not going to stay for the No-Gi class afterwards.  So part of the tradition is to line up at the end of class and bow out (paying respect to the pioneers as well as Professor Russell).  Now on occasion new belt promotions as well as stripes for each belt will be awarded at this time – I’ve seen it and I’m sure that had I been able to keep up my training that I would have been part of the receiving.  This night Josh began to award some stripes – I stood there somewhat jealous as the first student went up and received his second stripe on his white belt.

 

Now let me explain this process; what happens is the student is called up Josh then proceeds to either add stripes to an existing belt or even award a new belt color – I’ve only witnessed this once – last Tuesday to be exact.  So the first student went up then went down the line and was congratulated by all of the students in attendance.  After he had gone through Josh was ready to call the next student up.  Low and behold Josh called out my name:

 

Andre!  Josh said something along the lines of “long over due.”  I ended up getting two stripes on my belt.  So going from zero to two was a huge surprise.

 

So I realize that in the grand scheme of things that this is insignificant – both in terms of the world as a whole and the jiu jitsu world itself.  But to someone who’s been in a personal hell that just does seem to be going away.  It means everything.  It’s an acknowledgement that I’m not wasting my time. That I’m doing something that someone recognizes.  More than anything it’s made me realize that I’m really someone worth being treated with respect and that I don’t have to settle for however someone decides they’re going to treat me.  That I’m someone worth knowing and that I’m on the right path and that I’ve found something (outside of family and a few close friends) that is worth loving.

 

So here’s to long day’s at work, rushing up to Calgary to try and refine my skills in the world of Brazilian Jiu Jitsu, being alone and listening to my favorite songs during the drives to and fro, trainings sessions that are both exhilarating and exhausting, friendships forged and strengthened, a sense of self worth and self acceptance.

 

And finally,

 

Here’s to 2 white stripes that have renewed my soul, allowed me to see the light again and lit the jiu jitsu fire inside me that had been almost put out forever.

No Retreat, No Regrets!

My Mantra for the past 10 months (copped from a Gaslight Anthem tune) has been as source of self-preservation of sorts.  One may be inclined to ask, how so?  The particular line is from the song “Meet Me by the River’s Edge” has struck me since the first time I’ve heard the song – to be honest all of the Gaslight Anthem catalog has had a profound effect on me but that’s another story.  The ending of the song is as follows:

 

Sally said, Sally said

“I can’t take no more regret”

It cut us too deep into our souls

Came and climbed into our head

Sally said, Sally said

Meet me by the River’s Edge

Were going to wash these sins away

Or else we won’t come back again

Now no retreat, no regrets (3x)

Meet me by the River’s edge

 

Here is the Youtube clip of the song:

If you ever had the pleasure of hearing his particular song you’ll know doubt be familiar with the urgency in which the song and the line “No Retreat, No Regret” are sung.  The kind of urgency and honesty that really good music has; I won’t get into the farce that the world of music has found itself in – and yet again as Hammy Hamster would say “that’s another story.”

 

Long story short – this particular line has become my inspiration whenever times are tough – and lately they’ve been fairly rocky.  And over time it has become my theme for the year 2009.  2009 is to be my year of change and reclamation of the self I used to be.  A ‘self’ that had confidence, hope, happiness, dreams, and the willingness and courage to chase those dreams. If you know me well then you’ll know what I’m planning on doing and what dream/desire I’m chasing; as a result I will not go in to details.

 

When you up and decide to leave everything behind and try follow a dreams and chase those rainbows – in the hopes that the pot of gold will be at the end of that rainbow – you’ll no doubt question whether or not you’re making the right decision.  I question myself everyday; “is this the right path to follow?” “What am I thinking?” “What am I leaving behind?” “What, if anything, am I going to come back to?”  I’ll be honest – these ‘doubting’ questions plague me on a daily basis and all I can do is hope that my choices are the correct ones.  But in the end is not better to follow your heart, chase dreams, and try to find that happiness that is out there for the taking?  I think that slowly but surely I’ve come to realize that it is far better to fall short while chasing your dreams then to just sit back and watch the days go by till one day you’re too old walk up a set of stairs without tiring; let alone running worlds away to find that pot of gold.

 

Now back the line and song – I know the pain of regret all to well.  And it is true – it crawls deep into your soul and eats away at you little by little.  Always nagging away at your conscience reminding you how you’re wasting the days away watching the world and your dreams pass you by.  To quote main protagonist Andy in the movie (short story) “The Shawshank Redemption” “get busy living or get busy dying.”

 

Yes, that is really how life works – you can sit around watching the world pass you by or get up and catch that west bound train to your own personal promised land.  As the punk band Rancid once sang (and titled their 1998 album) “Life Won’t Wait.”

 

The other day I began to have those doubts creep in to my brain.  In the past I’ve usually let them bring down or bring my head back down out of the clouds.  But no longer, nowadays when the ‘negative’ creeps into my head, I close my eyes, think of my dreams and repeat over and over:

 

No Retreat, No Regrets!

What will life have in store for me?  I'm not sure but I'll do my best to make sure I don't feel the sting of regret any more....